Apple, Microsoft, and Google want to tell you what you already know

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You may be feeling a sense of déjà vu following this week’s new product releases from the tech titan trifecta — you won’t be alone…


Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy week. Three tech titans — Apple, Microsoft, and Google — are planning to foist their latest wares upon an undeserving world over the next seven days. The Internet rumor mill has been belching smoke and throwing off sparks, working 24/7 to keep pace with real and imaginary leaks about what’s coming. I can hardly contain my excitement.


The next week promises to alter the tech landscape forever, rewrite the laws of physics, and allow us to send people forward in time so they can kill older versions of themselves — or is that backward to kill younger ones? Sorry, I keep getting “Looper” confused with “The Terminator.”


We might also get more geeky stuff to play with. Lord knows we don’t already have enough of that.


First up to the plate, of course, is Apple. Tomorrow’s Special Event (no. 347 in a series) is likely to feature a 7.85-inch version of the Jesus Tablet, aka the iPad Mini.


My prediction about the Mini: It will be smaller. Talk about innovation! Never mind that Samsung introduced a 7-incher, what, two years ago? The next patent lawsuit shall commence in three, two, one ….


The Mini isn’t even official as I write this, but it’s already inspired its own bawdy parody commercial . Equally entertaining is Wired blogger Lore Sjoberg’s dissection of the Apple rumor mill, which beings thusly: “The rumors of the upcoming iPad Mini have been coming fast and thick, like a roller coaster made of mayonnaise.”


The Hellman’s Hellracer is now boarding: Please keep arms, legs, and chicken salad sandwiches inside the vehicle at all times.


Stepping up after Apple is Microsoft, with its official launch of Windows 8 and the Surface Tablet, aka the biggest unkept secret in the world.


Windows 8 will be either a) an extraordinary step forward that will restore Microsoft to its former glory, or b) a stumble into the abyss from which Microsoft is unlikely to ever recover, depending on who you’re talking to and whether they’ve had their nap yet.


Microsoft has wisely declined to let me get within 500 miles of the Surface, so I’m reserving judgment. But an old rule about skipping every other Microsoft Windows upgrade may apply here. Windows 7 still works like a charm, but I am still suffering from PVTSD (post-Vista traumatic stress disorder). Call me (maybe) when Windows 9 arrives.



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